Tag Archives: Respect

Kindness and Respect Build Trust

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Woman wearing gi bows towards the camera. Bowing is an eastern way of showing respect to another. Respectful behaviors build trust.
In martial arts, competitors show respect for each other by bowing at the beginning and end of each match.
-Photo by RDNE Stock project on Pexels.com

If you want to build trust, treat people with respect, and kindness. These different principles are inseparable. It is difficult to be unkind to someone you respect. It is difficult to be disrespectful when you treat people with kindness. Essentially, follow the Golden Rule of treating others the way you want to be treated. You will build trust.

People recognize kindness and respect through actions, not words. Actions that demonstrate kindness include: holding a door open for someone, offering a positive greeting, writing a short “Thank You” note, speaking respectfully, and listening thoughtfully to another. There are long lists of other kind acts one can perform for others. The point is to be thoughtful in your dealings with others. Try to see your actions through their eyes. Examine how you would feel if someone else treated you the way you treat others.

While actions demonstrate kindness and respect, words have the potential to tell others you do not respect them. For example, you say you are open to having friends from other cultures but everyone in your social circle, looks like you. Your words become suspect. On the other hand, when you say offensive things, you are viewed as an offensive person. The things you say repeatedly reveal your true self. You can never talk your way out of a situation you behave yourself into. However, by changing your behaviors and habits, you may find you also change your thoughts and ideas.

Provide positive feedback to others. Praise demonstrates you value the work and worth of those people. While many argue written thank you cards are history, write one to someone and see where it ends up. I commonly find thank you notes I write to others prominently displaced in their workspace. A multidisciplinary team I belong to, has a practice of beginning meetings by expressing gratitude for work of team members from one discipline. The practice of gratitude opens opportunities you never could envision. People become more receptive when you offer ways they can improve, if most of your communication is otherwise positive.

Two women meeting at a table.
Treating others kindly creates positive feelings. Positive feelings improve outcomes and results. Quality results build trust with others.
-Photo by Anna Shvets on Pexels.com

Respect is a demonstration of concern for the well-being of another. These demonstrations are personal and meaningful to the receiver. For example, as a new employee, your paycheck is two hours short so you talk to your boss. Your boss is polite and promises to take care of it. When you receive your next paycheck, not only did you not receive the two hours from the prior pay period, this check is also two hours short. Your boss treated you politely and kindly, but by cheating you out of four hours of pay, he failed to demonstrate genuine concern for your well-being. You probably are not feeling very respected.

This story shows that respect is more than just being kind or polite. Respect involves taking actions that show concern for others. Examples include things like providing resources to someone who is struggling such as a neighbor with a sick child, giving time to help someone learn a new skill, following up on a promised action to ensure it was completed, and finishing projects on time. All these actions demonstrate concern for other people. There is no requirement to agree with the other person. You do not have to like the other person. Respectful behaviors create space for conversations about differences without creating fear or hate.

Demonstrations of kindness and respect lead to the dignified treatment of others, which builds trust. Many argue that respect is something that is earned, not deserved. A good number of years ago, it was written that everyone was created equal. If you believe Jefferson was right, then it means everyone is entitled to the same level of respect you expect for yourself. When you treat everyone with respect and kindness, you increase the positive responses you receive from others. People will like you more than those who act like jerks. That means you will be trusted more than those that are disliked. The increased level of trust you receive from other people increases the chances you will receive better assignments, more pay, favorable pricing, and other tangible and intangible benefits.

Two men shaking hands across a table. Kind behaviors like shaking hands builds trust.
Kind, respectful behaviors build trust with others. When you treat those you dislike with the same level of kindness as those you like, you create a culture of respect which builds trust.
-Photo by fauxels on Pexels.com

Once I had a conversation with a senior leader in an organization commenting on how hard it was to get all the other senior leaders to move in the same direction. He replied that it was easier to gain their cooperation when they liked and trusted you. This surprised me somewhat, as that particular organization had a culture that it was better to be respected than liked. He said there were lots of people in the organization he did not like. Still, he had to work with them, so his feelings did not matter. He said if he was doing his job well, no one could tell who he really liked and who he disliked. That is because regardless of whether he liked someone, he treated everyone with respect, kindness, and dignity. Feelings are private. Behavior is public.

Treating people with respect and kindness costs nothing. Given everyone is created equal, everyone deserves to be treated with respectful kindness. Even though your respectful behavior cost nothing, the behavior pays dividends. Respect and kindness are the lubricants in human interactions that create a positive environment to achieve great results. Those behaviors tell others you are trustworthy, which in turn creates opportunities not available to those with lower levels of trust. Treating people you do not like with kindness is hard. No great achievement is easy. Do the hard work of treating people with respect and kindness, even those you dislike. Your actions will build trust with them allowing both of you to succeed.

/————– References —————-/

Duhigg, C. (2014). The power of habit. (Kindle Ed.) Random House Trade Paperbacks.

Jefferson, T. (1776). Declaration of independence. U.S. National Archives. Retrieved from https://www.archives.gov/founding-docs/declaration-transcript on 12/20/2023

Kristenson, S. (2022). 13 ways to show respect for others in your everyday life. Happier Human webpage. Retrieved from: https://www.happierhuman.com/show-respect/ on 12/19/23

Maxwell, J. (2005). 25 ways to win with people. Thomas Nelson, Inc. Dallas, TX.

Sellg, M (2017). 16 easy acts of kindness to practice today. Psychology Today. Happiness webpage. Retrieved from: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/changepower/201711/16-easy-random-acts-kindness-practice-today on 12/18/2023

Tilley, J [12thSMA]. (December 15, 2023, 9:29 am). The timeless ideology of Commitment vs Compliance. For me, the difference between compliance and commitment is straightforward. FaceBook post. Retrieved from https://www.facebook.com/12thSMA on 12/20/23

Vago, S. (2009). Law and society (9th ed.). Pearson, Prentice, Hall.

(c) 2023. Christopher St.Cyr

Respect & Forgiving Misteaks

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Leaders in learning organizations demonstrate two critical qualities: respect and forgiveness. Most people learning new skills make mistakes. People stop creating in organizations lacking tolerance for honest mistakes. Respect instills confidence for people to try new things. They their first attempts result in failure, yet respect acts as a safety net encouraging more attempts. As workers gain courage and skill, eventually succeed. Respect allows forgiveness; forgiveness spins the safety net of success.

spilled.milk-elycefellzForgiveness is often seen as a weak, outward display directed at those who offend us. Unlike respect, viewed as strong, outward behaviors directed towards others, forgiveness is a strong, inward action directed towards ourselves. Holding grudges does little to change someone’s behavior. Instead, grudges harm the holder, preventing him from developing better relationships.

Years ago two people worked together in difficult circumstances. The leader treated him well and thought he earned the other’s respect. One day the leader became aware his previous employee blamed him for many things that occurred on the job. The employee held that hatred for years. The employee’s hatred of the leaders offenses did nothing to harm the leader who was unaware of his offenses. The hate attacked the employee everyday, preventing him from achieving greater successes in life. The leader moved on in life, building new and better relationships and increasing his successes. The leader was was hurt after learning of the grudge because he believed he did the best I could do at that time with his skills, knowledge, and abilities. He reached out seeking forgiveness from his former employee bur received no response. I suspect the employee still blames his former boss for many of the bad things that occurred during the time they worked together. The boss offended and was offended by others during that time. He carried grudges against some people for a while. He forgave some people and some people forgave him. One day the boss met one of those who offended him and realized they were clueless he was angry with them. He noticed the person moved on and felt no pain from his lack of forgiveness. In a period of reflection the leader realized forgiveness was not about the other person, but rather about him. Once he learned to forgive, life improved.

No matter how hard we try, offending others is inevitable. Often we do not realize our faux-pas and therefore see no reason to say, “I’m sorry.” For those who do not understand forgiveness carry their hate while the offender remains blissfully ignorant of their mistake. Forgiveness is a vital part of respect because acting respectfully to those we hate is hard. Forgiving requires releasing hatred.

Without respect, others lose confidence, fail to grown, or learn new skills. It is equally difficult to hold a grudge against someone we respect. Leadership is about influence. There are plenty of examples of leaders applying influence motivated by hate. History views those leaders as failures. People who learn to lead from a positive influence motivated by respect gain more power permitting even greater influence and success.

Many of the problems facing our nation and the world revolve around forgiveness and respect. Examples of extreme grudges include mass police murders in Baton Rouge, people protesting police violence coming under fire in Dallas as officers protect the crowd, terrorism in France, a military coup-d’etat in Turkey, Islamic extremism in the Middle East, Muslim against Muslim, Christian verses Christian, Jew fighting Jew, and each against the other because of hate and disrespect.

Violence is not an answer for past slights, insults, past violence, or perceived disrespects. Jim Collins talks about the fly-wheel effect in his book Good to Great. Acts of violence begin a downward spin of of the violence fly-wheel; every additional act increasing the fly-wheel’s momentum. Forgiveness acts as a break on the violence fly-wheel.

Treating followers respectfully creates a positive position for the leader to gain increased influence. Good leaders recognizes everyone makes mistakes. Instead of being offended by a follower’s error, a good leader forgives, respectfully corrects, and allows the person to try again. This cycle allows growth and improves the organization. Grudges hold back offended parties. Offended parties may seek to retaliate through acts of violence. Recognizing most people do not intend to offend us with their actions allow us to forgive. Forgiveness stops grudges and restores peace. Respect is the greatest gift we offer others; forgiveness is the greatest give we give ourselves.

Photo from elycefellz on flickr.com  Creative Commons License https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/4.0/

Leaders Training Future Leaders

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ImageAll trainers are leaders because they influence people in their organizations to accomplish the mission. The flip side to that thought is that all leaders are trainers. In too many organizations however leaders are selected based upon their ability to accomplish tasks more than their ability to influence others and too many organizations fail to train their highest performers to become leaders. Possession of influence is more important to a leader than possessing an ability to complete a task skillfully. Learning how to engage others to influence them to perform is more important skill for leaders than the task to be performed. Teaching the leaders to teach becomes that challenge for the middle and senior leaders of organizations, one that is poorly executed. Consistent leader training and development is critical to any organization’s long term success. Four simple, repeatable steps separate are the foundation of an enduring leadership training program. Those steps are telling, demonstrating, practicing and correcting.

Telling. The quickest way to transfer information is to tell the other person. When sending a message you want the receiver to remember ensure the receiver has a method of recording the information, whether it is a notebook, a voice recorder or a note on their device. Unrecorded information is sure to be forgotten. When someone writes, they remember better in the future and create a record for future reference when the teacher is absent. During the review of the lesson, the teach can have the student read back the notes ensuring all important details were discussed.

Demonstrating. You demonstrate the task. In this blog, demonstration is listed as the second step, but in practice, it is the first. When others work for you, you demonstrate leadership for them daily. When you take time to counsel the new leader, you demonstrate the importance of counseling. Your methods become the lesson as the techniques and practices you expect them to employ in their leadership role. Counseling is just one area, but the example crosses many such topical areas.

Practicing. At first you may be inclined to linger. This may not always work well. For the same reasons it may not be practical for your trainee to sit in on a counseling session with a fellow employee with a family problem, it probably is just as likely you should not sit in on similar situations unless you are invited. The senior leader has other duties. If she spends all her time overseeing one new supervisor, she ignores other areas of responsibility. It is not unreasonable to follow up by asking to see documentation of a process or to check progress of employees. This lets both the employee and their supervisor know you are paying attention to important aspects of their work and lives.

Correcting. Do this as close as possible to the performance of the activity. Often in performance oriented training we ofter students feedback in the form of an after action review within a few minutes of completing the activity. There is no reason to not apply the same practice. If you are invited to observe a process improvement meeting, plan on five or ten minutes after the meeting to review the supervisor’s performance.

When you have completed all the steps, repeat them until the leader performs them nearly perfectly. As they improve, you allow them to tell you how they can improve their performance instead of providing feed back from you. As you do so, you prepare them for increasing levels of leadership and improve the organization.

Good leaders are also trainers. They set the standard by telling, They live the standard through demonstration. They allow others to try to practice and correct mistakes so success is achieved. These steps train and develop leaders follows the same model. Tell them what the expectations are, demonstrate the way you expect them to behave, allow them to perform, make corrections and repeat. Leaders who practice these steps increase their sphere of influence, allow others to see he uses power to make the organization better, has concern for the future of the group and its people and is willing to e what he knows. Observers recognize the spark and passion of the leader doing the training and the overall success of the organization. Take the first step today with your young leaders.

Photo Credit:  tanakawho from flickr.com creative commons license

Disruptive Students

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Recently I was demonstrating the proper technique to accomplish a defensive tactic according to the organization that certified me to teach. During the demonstration, I talk through each step working slowly so that the students see the hold and understand the correct form. I have selected one of the students in class as an assistant. As I talk through the steps, the student pulls his hand out of my grip and laughs. I can only believe it is because he showed the teacher that his tactic doesn’t work, but his resistance is outside the parameters for application of this maneuver. I attempt to use this as a teaching moment explaining to the class that this is only one way to confront a potential adversary and is intended for use on one who appears compliant and follows directions. I start over. The demonstrator pulls away again. Repeat one more time. Now it is obvious my student is disrupting the class and interfering with the learning. Instructors and teachers often have to deal with disruptive students in a classroom environment. Strategies for dealing with these students are widely available in text books, journals, and internet sites. No one talks about the disruptive student in the practical exercise environment. Over the years I have had many disruptive students in practical activities session who have challenged me, my skills and my techniques. How the instructor handles the disruptive student establishes his future credibility. Handled well and students learn the instructor is knowledgeable and respectful and gains the attention and respect of the class. Handled poorly and the students learn the instructor is self-centered, egotistical and is just as likely to treat them with contempt if they fail to live up to his standards resulting in lack of attention or respect.

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Attempting to address the misbehavior based on your perception of the student’s motivation you attract attention to the misbehavior and away from the lesson. Redirect the attention of all the students to the task at hand by acknowledging the slight and explain that this portion of the lesson is limited to the topic you are introducing. Use this as an opportunity to explain that there is more than one way to accomplish the task and this application has limitations that do not invalidate its use in the correct situation.

Keep your cool. I learned this rule the hard way. Anger about the student’s behavior manifests as a personal attack. Too often the anger results in the demonstration being completed at 100% force without proper preparation resulting in personal injury or property damage. Instead, stay calm, redirect the students attention, explain the parameters for the skill you are teaching and continue the lesson. A successful method is to change demonstrators.

Explain to the class as one instructor I watched. The instructor introduced information that was contrary to prior learning in another course. The instructor replied to the effect, “What I am teaching is a way to accomplish this task. It is not the only way.” Often when doing hands on work it is impossible to teach students the best options for every situation because the “What ifs” pile up in a hurry. Using the “A way” response validates the student’s position while maintaining your credibility.

Hands on training is an effective method to ensure students develop skills required to complete certain tasks. Unlike the lecture where the instructor controls the flow of information, during performance oriented training, students will often share what they know about the topic from prior experiences. Sometimes this is helpful, but often is is disruptive. Effectively keeping the class on topic builds your credibility as an instructor and subject matter expert. Validate the students point of view if valid in some cases if there is more than one way. Delineate the conditions for the task you are training. Keeping control of your emotions shows you are an expert deserving their continued attention and trust. When you follow these steps, you ensure students receive quality, consistent information, develop skills to accomplish the task in the given conditions to performance standards and increase the probability they will complete the task appropriately in a stress filled field environment.

Photo Credit:  U.S. Navy photo by Ensign Lily Daniels under Creative Commons License Share-alike and Attribution, Commander U.S. Navy 7th Fleet

2/1/14 I just posted a companion slide deck on SlideShare.  Check it out at http://www.slideshare.net/ChrisStCyr1/disruptedpractice