Tag Archives: Building trust

4 Ways to Build Trust

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Building a solid form ensures a concrete cornerstone is strong when cured. Each side of the form is tied to the other three.
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Developing trust is the cornerstone of success. Interactions with others become easier when they know they can trust you. We all know when we trust someone else. We think we know what builds trust with others. When asked, however, few people can easily define trust. After some reading and reflecting, I define trust as: a choice to risk something you value to the actions of another based on your belief in their character. In this series, you were introduced to four areas, like the sides of a form for concrete, that helps you build trust with others. Communication was the first side we discussed. People often mistake talking for communication. The next topic was proficiency because when you show you have the ability to accomplish things, others trust you will eventually. Respect and kindness establish credibility with others. Finally, responsibility shows others you will actually do what you say you will do, and care for the things they value. As you work to improve your credibility in each of these areas, others will come to trust you more.

Communication seems simple; it is not. We communicate in many ways with others. Even though electronic communication (like you reading this blog post or any of the comments), seems to dominate modern life, it is not a substitute for face-to-face interactions. When two people interact, there are many levels of communication. Beyond the words spoken, people see and attempt to understand the posture of the speaker, facial expressions, actions with the hands, the tone and speed of the voice. All of these things are part of the communicative experience that is often missing in social media posts. Communication is more than just the words selected, but the words selected are important. In the end, communication often boils down more to how you make the other person feel, rather than the actual message. There are examples of smooth talkers who led hundreds to voluntarily and happily take their lives. Surely there must be ways we can convince others to be happy about cleaning a toilet. We get better at communicating with others by actually attempting to communication with them and seeking feedback. So get out there and talk to another live human being!

Being proficient demonstrates your trustworthiness by showing others you not only know what to do, but you have developed the skills to complete those tasks. Think about when you started your new job. It really did not matter what skills you brought to the job. There were new things for you to learn. It does not matter whether your new job is with a new company or within an organization you currently work; your new job is not the same as your old job, and you have to learn new things. Learn quickly. You will make mistakes. The first step in learning from your mistakes is acknowledging them. Learning is demonstrated when the new mistakes you make are at higher levels of proficiency. While mistakes are expected, trust is built on the idea that a proficient person has systems in place to identify errors and correct them before they become problematic.

To become trustworthy, you create systems to catch your mistakes. You use discipline to work your system. People will learn you are not perfect but because you plan for mistakes and catch them early, they never become problems. You build trust.
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Respect is a demonstration of the value you place on another. When you act disrespectfully to others, they will not like you and they will not respect you. Most importantly, they will not trust you to guard what they value. This distrust causes friction that prevents you from successfully working with that person. It is rare for members of the military to be able to select the person who they will share a foxhole, a tactical vehicle, or a tent. There is no requirement to like another person for you to treat them respectfully. As a senior leader, I once had to deal with a problem of gun crews being split up on a transitional military base during an extended convoy. Several leaders approached me about a requirement for males and females to sleep in different tents. Those leaders expressed concerns that they would not be able to look out for each other. I knew that there were problems in some of the crews. They did not like each other. However, they were like a family that resenting someone else telling them they could not be together. Like bothers and sisters, they argued, but they were still family. Respect is the foundations of the trust that brings them together that way.

Finally, be responsible by doing what you say you will do. Others understand that sometimes things happen that prevent you from keeping promises. When you are rarely complete tasks as promised, you gain a reputation of being a failure. People will not trust you to do what you say you will do. If you find you arrive at someone’s house at 6:15 for dinner, and you were told to arrive at 6:00, and dinner is not served until 7:00, it means that the host does not trust you to arrive on time. They give you an earlier time, anticipating you will be late. Doing what you promise is the culmination of communicating well, being proficient, and acting respectfully. If you say you will do something a certain way, by a certain time, with particular materials, at a specified level of quality, then do it. Caring for the property of others is another way of being responsible. While you may not explicitly promise to care for your work computer, everyone expects you will. Doing what you say you will do is one of the fastest ways you can build trust with others. Make small promises and deliver bigger than the promise. Do this regularly, and others will know they can depend on you to deliver as promised.

When you build your relationships on the trust cornerstone, your trustworthiness becomes well know. You will attract increased power and influence that has staying power. Long after you are gone, people will remember you could be trusted.
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Over the last few posts, I covered ways an individual can develop trust. Trust is the cornerstone of success. You reduce friction with others when they know they can trust you. Trust is a choice to risk something you value to the actions of another based on your belief in their character. Four areas of building trust include communicating, developing proficiency, treating others respectfully, and being responsible. These four areas are like the four sides of a concrete form, allowing you build trust with others. As you work to improve your credibility in each of these areas, others will come to trust you more.

References

(c) 2024 Christopher St. Cyr

Kindness and Respect Build Trust

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Woman wearing gi bows towards the camera. Bowing is an eastern way of showing respect to another. Respectful behaviors build trust.
In martial arts, competitors show respect for each other by bowing at the beginning and end of each match.
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If you want to build trust, treat people with respect, and kindness. These different principles are inseparable. It is difficult to be unkind to someone you respect. It is difficult to be disrespectful when you treat people with kindness. Essentially, follow the Golden Rule of treating others the way you want to be treated. You will build trust.

People recognize kindness and respect through actions, not words. Actions that demonstrate kindness include: holding a door open for someone, offering a positive greeting, writing a short “Thank You” note, speaking respectfully, and listening thoughtfully to another. There are long lists of other kind acts one can perform for others. The point is to be thoughtful in your dealings with others. Try to see your actions through their eyes. Examine how you would feel if someone else treated you the way you treat others.

While actions demonstrate kindness and respect, words have the potential to tell others you do not respect them. For example, you say you are open to having friends from other cultures but everyone in your social circle, looks like you. Your words become suspect. On the other hand, when you say offensive things, you are viewed as an offensive person. The things you say repeatedly reveal your true self. You can never talk your way out of a situation you behave yourself into. However, by changing your behaviors and habits, you may find you also change your thoughts and ideas.

Provide positive feedback to others. Praise demonstrates you value the work and worth of those people. While many argue written thank you cards are history, write one to someone and see where it ends up. I commonly find thank you notes I write to others prominently displaced in their workspace. A multidisciplinary team I belong to, has a practice of beginning meetings by expressing gratitude for work of team members from one discipline. The practice of gratitude opens opportunities you never could envision. People become more receptive when you offer ways they can improve, if most of your communication is otherwise positive.

Two women meeting at a table.
Treating others kindly creates positive feelings. Positive feelings improve outcomes and results. Quality results build trust with others.
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Respect is a demonstration of concern for the well-being of another. These demonstrations are personal and meaningful to the receiver. For example, as a new employee, your paycheck is two hours short so you talk to your boss. Your boss is polite and promises to take care of it. When you receive your next paycheck, not only did you not receive the two hours from the prior pay period, this check is also two hours short. Your boss treated you politely and kindly, but by cheating you out of four hours of pay, he failed to demonstrate genuine concern for your well-being. You probably are not feeling very respected.

This story shows that respect is more than just being kind or polite. Respect involves taking actions that show concern for others. Examples include things like providing resources to someone who is struggling such as a neighbor with a sick child, giving time to help someone learn a new skill, following up on a promised action to ensure it was completed, and finishing projects on time. All these actions demonstrate concern for other people. There is no requirement to agree with the other person. You do not have to like the other person. Respectful behaviors create space for conversations about differences without creating fear or hate.

Demonstrations of kindness and respect lead to the dignified treatment of others, which builds trust. Many argue that respect is something that is earned, not deserved. A good number of years ago, it was written that everyone was created equal. If you believe Jefferson was right, then it means everyone is entitled to the same level of respect you expect for yourself. When you treat everyone with respect and kindness, you increase the positive responses you receive from others. People will like you more than those who act like jerks. That means you will be trusted more than those that are disliked. The increased level of trust you receive from other people increases the chances you will receive better assignments, more pay, favorable pricing, and other tangible and intangible benefits.

Two men shaking hands across a table. Kind behaviors like shaking hands builds trust.
Kind, respectful behaviors build trust with others. When you treat those you dislike with the same level of kindness as those you like, you create a culture of respect which builds trust.
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Once I had a conversation with a senior leader in an organization commenting on how hard it was to get all the other senior leaders to move in the same direction. He replied that it was easier to gain their cooperation when they liked and trusted you. This surprised me somewhat, as that particular organization had a culture that it was better to be respected than liked. He said there were lots of people in the organization he did not like. Still, he had to work with them, so his feelings did not matter. He said if he was doing his job well, no one could tell who he really liked and who he disliked. That is because regardless of whether he liked someone, he treated everyone with respect, kindness, and dignity. Feelings are private. Behavior is public.

Treating people with respect and kindness costs nothing. Given everyone is created equal, everyone deserves to be treated with respectful kindness. Even though your respectful behavior cost nothing, the behavior pays dividends. Respect and kindness are the lubricants in human interactions that create a positive environment to achieve great results. Those behaviors tell others you are trustworthy, which in turn creates opportunities not available to those with lower levels of trust. Treating people you do not like with kindness is hard. No great achievement is easy. Do the hard work of treating people with respect and kindness, even those you dislike. Your actions will build trust with them allowing both of you to succeed.

/————– References —————-/

Duhigg, C. (2014). The power of habit. (Kindle Ed.) Random House Trade Paperbacks.

Jefferson, T. (1776). Declaration of independence. U.S. National Archives. Retrieved from https://www.archives.gov/founding-docs/declaration-transcript on 12/20/2023

Kristenson, S. (2022). 13 ways to show respect for others in your everyday life. Happier Human webpage. Retrieved from: https://www.happierhuman.com/show-respect/ on 12/19/23

Maxwell, J. (2005). 25 ways to win with people. Thomas Nelson, Inc. Dallas, TX.

Sellg, M (2017). 16 easy acts of kindness to practice today. Psychology Today. Happiness webpage. Retrieved from: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/changepower/201711/16-easy-random-acts-kindness-practice-today on 12/18/2023

Tilley, J [12thSMA]. (December 15, 2023, 9:29 am). The timeless ideology of Commitment vs Compliance. For me, the difference between compliance and commitment is straightforward. FaceBook post. Retrieved from https://www.facebook.com/12thSMA on 12/20/23

Vago, S. (2009). Law and society (9th ed.). Pearson, Prentice, Hall.

(c) 2023. Christopher St.Cyr

Building Character on the Cornerstone of Trust

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A strong cornerstone supports the foundation of character.
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Last year, I published a series of articles on developing trust as a leader. But what if you are new in your organization, or you are not in a leadership position, is trust still important? Yes it is. Remember, leadership is not about positions. Leadership is about influence. You earn supervisory positions by demonstrating you are a person of character who possesses an ability to influence others positively. In turn, those people accomplish things that help your organization succeed. In the Cornerstone series, I outlined six areas leaders work on to build trust; only two of them were specific to leaders. The other four apply to anyone trying to build trust. Think of those four areas like the sides of a concrete form. If one is missing, the form fails. The four sides of the form are communication, proficiency, respect, responsibility.

Trust is easy when you meet people you do not know. It is harder when someone comes along with a poor reputation. Trust is also hard to regain when lost. Think about the ancient fable of the scorpion and frog. The scorpion wanted to cross a brook and asked the frog to help. The frog was leery, but the scorpion convinced the frog to trust him. The scorpion said that if he stung the frog in the water, both would die. Part way across, the scorpion stings the frog. When the frog asked why, the scorpion replies stinging is what scorpions do.

Some argue that it is better to live without trusting others. Nothing great ever would have happened without trust between people. Trust is the cornerstone that supports great things. This is the first in a series on developing trust for everyone. There will be one post for each side of the form, and another on regaining trust that was lost. Of course, the series will close with a summary and conclusion.

Communication

Communication is the first side of trust cornerstone and the concrete form. It is such an important skill, I wrote a series on how to improve communication. You can find it here. However, I will also boil down the important points you need to know. Use simple, short sentences with short words. Follow up with others a short time later to ensure they remember what was said.

When people tell you something, ask appropriate questions to ensure you understand what they are saying. I once asked a Soldier I led to light up some people. It was dark and I could not see them. He understood my instruction to apply large quantities of fire to kill those we assembled. He questioned my order, allowing me to clarify my meaning. Soon the people were bathed in the glow of HMMWV headlights I once heard someone say (if I remembered who, they would be credited below), “The problem with communication it people think it happened.”

Proficiency

Work to be the best every day to build trust
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Proficiency is simply the measure of how well someone does something. For years, I was a police firearms instructor. Being a firearms instructor requires one to be able to shoot well. Not everyone who shoots well can teach. To be a trusted firearms instructor, a person must be able to both shoot well, and teach others to shoot well. You might be a great teacher, but if you cannot show others how to do the task, they will not trust you.

You gain proficiency by doing things over and over. Having a mentor helps. Many building trades have an apprentice system, where the master teaches the apprentice the tricks of trade. Eventually the skilled apprentice becomes a master and the cycle continues to turn.

This quality is in very short supply today. Treating others respectfully is an element of trust known for thousands of years. Most of us learned the golden rule as children, “Treat others the way you want to be treated.” A newer version is to treat others the way they expect to be treated.

Respect

As the executive director of a small non-profit, I often have a new staff member or intern help me prepare the meeting space before a board meeting. The new person will ask why I take the time to ensure there is a bottle of water, pad of paper, writing implements, and printed handouts at each seat. Interns especially point out that as students, they are expected to bring those things with them to class. I respond that I expect the board members to bring all those things with them also. However, each is a volunteer. Each leads another organization and has lots of other things to think about each day. Providing the little extras each meeting shows respect and gratitude for each board member’s time they dedicate to our cause.

Interns are also prohibited from bringing staff coffee and doing menial tasks other staff are not asked to do. We find meaningful work for our interns that helps them grow and develop the skills to work with us in some capacity.

Responsibility

Responsibility closely parallels proficiency. As one becomes proficient, one become more responsible. A responsible, proficient person requires less supervision because the boss trusts their ability and responsibility. Responsible people ensure they take care of things they promise. They respond to others thoughtfully rather than snapping all the time.

Learning to develop trustworthy habits creates a strong foundation of character that holds up under pressure.
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A popular way responsibility is measured today is through credit scores. Each of the big credit reporting agencies have their own formulas for weighting your credit worthiness. Each is tied to certain behaviors, such as how timely you pay your bills and your debt to income ratio. Credit reporters scores are nothing more than a numerical system to tell others how responsible someone is with money.

Conclusion

Trust is the cornerstone of character. How you behave tells others how trustworthy you are. You can pour a solid cornerstone by building a strong form with four sides. These sides show others how well you communicate, how proficient you are, how you respect other people, and whether you are responsible. Each of these areas are a matter of disciplined behavior. Jock Willink’s mantra on discipline is simple and true, “Discipline equals freedom.” The more disciplined you are in each of these areas, the stronger your finished cornerstone of trust. With increased trust, you gain influence, allowing you to start to learn to lead others. Use the cornerstone of trust to build your character. Others look for strong character when they want to build great teams. With a strong, trustworthy character, you will always be in demand.

Trust, the Cornerstone of Leadership

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One has to build bridges to build trust. Bridges require strong foundations. Trust is the cornerstone of any strong leadership foundation.
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A few years ago, I found myself struggling to repair trusting relationships between members of a team I lead. While my relationship was still good, some team members had a spat that reduced trust and increased friction. We invited a consultant to do a training event focusing on improving trust in professional relationships. As this drama unfolded, the leader of a different organization asked me to provide as short presentation to the other senior leaders in that team on the importance of trust for leaders. A few months later, was in a leadership seminar and trust was a key discussion topic. As I reflected on the things I learned from these opportunities, I started rethinking my position that character was the foundation of leadership. As I worked though the connections of leadership, character, and trust, I realized my initial impression of character as the foundation of leadership was correct. I also realized that trust was the cornerstone of character, and therefore the cornerstone of leadership.

As I continued to reflect on the cornerstone analogy, I found six areas leaders can work on to develop trusting relationships with their followers, peers, senior leaders, and people outside their organization. Those areas include communication, being responsible, building your team, developing proficiency, demonstrating respect, and setting an example. Over the next few months, I will post examining each of these areas in more detail. The balance of this post focuses on introducing each of these topics.

Character is the foundation of leadership. One develops character by the way they live their personal and organizational values in a consistent, disciplined fashion. Living a life of character creates trust. Trust enables leaders to know that what they ask and expect followers to do will be done, even when they are not there. Followers do what is expected and make important decisions when the leader is not around because they trust their leader will support them.

Everyone thinks they know what trust is. If I asked you to provide a definition, how long would it take for you to formulate one? After some reading and reflecting, I define trust as: a choice to risk something you value to the actions of another based on your belief in their character. A quick analysis of this definition shows you have to value something, whether it is time, money, property, or a relationship. You have to be willing to allow someone else to access an item of value in such a way they can either add, subtract, or protect the base value through their actions. You use your knowledge and understanding of their perceived capability to decide if the risk is reasonable. The basis of your judgment is your observed ability of the other to accomplish things, and their record of virtue in their personal and professional life.

Character is the foundation of leadership. Foundations must be strong or things collapse. Strong cornerstones hold more weight. Trust is the cornerstone of character.
– photo from pxhere.com

Leaders are trusted to provide valuable guidance, actively pursue goals, use resources effectively, and treat others respectfully. The supporters of the organization, such as board members, stockholders, customers, and employees, decide to trust a leader based on their perception of how well the leader competently executes with available resources and cares for people. Leaders earn trust by communicating, acting responsibly, building the team, demonstrating proficiency, acting respectfully, and setting a good example.

Leaders are in the communication business. They must communicate consistently up, down, and across their organization. Honesty is important. Without honest communication, there can be no trust. Honest communications reduce anxiety in stressful times. When leaders develop a reputation for honesty, others tolerate the absence of communication on a subject or topic on occasions when a leader indicates she cannot speak on it. Even in those cases, it is critical for a leader to disclose the constraint and when they will be able to discuss the matter.

There are several aspects to being a responsible leader. You must do what you say you are going to do, and keep track of the people and property entrusted to you. The first part of this quality seems simple enough, if you say you will do something, do it. However, it is not always easy. Sometimes life gets in the way of what you promised to do. When you find a way to accomplish all you promised, you will be trusted as a reliable leader.

The next part of this quality is tracking people and things. When I say it is important to track people, I do not mean creepy internet stalking stuff. You must know where your people are during working hours, what they are working on, that they are being paid properly, they take adequate time off to remain fresh and avoid burnout, and that they are well-trained. In fact, if you do not take care of all of these things, you do not deserve to expect to attract and retain quality people nor expect quality results.

Turing our attention to tracking property, there is more to it than just knowing the numbers. If you lose track of property entrusted to you, you and your people will not have the resources to work. Equally important to having the right numbers of things is that the property is operational. If you have 20 widgets, but only five are working, you only have 5 widgets.

The next facet is building your team. You do that by working them hard. Whether it is a challenging problem to solve or developing a new product or service, nothing builds that team like hard work. It creates a shared team identity and history.

Proficiency ensures you know what right looks like. As a result, you know when people are doing the right things, the right way, for the right reasons.
– photo from pxhere.com

Be proficient in your field. You do not need to know how to operate every machine, or generate every report, but you need to know enough, so you know what is and is not real. Others judge your competence by your demonstrations of skill, knowledge, time, and capacity to complete a given task. If you lack something, you build trust by admitting it up front and solidifying a plan to overcome the shortfall.

Act respectfully of others all the time. There are several ways you can do that. Speak positively about others when they are not present. Be punctual. When you are late, you send a clear message that you do not value other people’s time. Be empathetic. Sometimes connecting someone with a mentor or asking about a family problem shows you care.

Set the example by living the standards you set. Model expected behaviors. Others will follow your example. Setting an example by living your values and the values of your organization is the most demonstrative way you build character and establish trust. It shows you are willing to walk the talk and know that what you expect of others can be done.

Leaders build character and develop trust with subordinates, peers, senior leaders, and leaders outside your organization by improving in each area. You build character one day at a time with every single action you take. As your character grows, the trust others place in you grows. Increased trust provides greater influence. Bigger and better opportunities become available to you and your team. Character is the foundation of leadership. Trust is the cornerstone of that foundation. The cornerstone must be solid or everything else collapses. Without trust, leaders and their teams fail. With trust, you and your team harness the power and influence necessary to accomplish anything. Now that you are done reading this, pick up your hammer and chisel, and begin carving your cornerstone of trust.

References

  • Covey, S. & Merrill, R. (2008) The speed of trust. Free Press. New York, NY
  • Feltman, C (2008). The thin book of trust. Thin Book Publishing. Bend, OR